In the grip of shame and ‘honour’

One day we will see justice for what it is. Justice for you and for me may be different not because neither of us understands what justice is but because we come from different backgrounds. 

Many people have read my book and said to me why has there been no justice for you, why has your father not been arrested? And my answer is that I do not want him to be arrested - at which they are shocked. 

I understand that it may seem unjust not to want a man who has been capable of such cruelty to be put behind bars, but I do not believe that to be justice.  Justice for me is not to see my father put in prison, as that will only take up more of my mental and physical time. Time which I would rather use to help others get out of the situations of oppression that they are in; to have an opportunity to speak for those who feel they have no voice, no one standing for them, and nowhere to turn for help. 

Justice will in the end be up to God and only he can bring true justice, so I leave that to him and I spend time working to help those who are in similar situations to the one I endured.  Justice in this situation may be taken out of my hands and the police may choose to arrest my father and then that would be to me an injustice as I would have no choice. I would have no choice but to go through the memories of abuse again, memories that have in the past overwhelmed me to the point of death. 

My family would have no choice but to deal with the consequences.

My father is a weak old man now and justice is not going to be achieved by putting him in prison.  He is living in a mental prison all the time. 

I am free from oppression and live a new life, and I am grateful for this freedom which drives me to fight for those who are oppressed because of shame and ‘honour’, or what is perceived by many as shame and honour.  What in the West is honourable is of course very different to what is honourable in shame and honour cultures.

Our lives are shaped by the culture we are born into and live our lives in whether we recognise what that culture is or not. 

From very early on I learnt what brought ‘honour’, and to fear anything that could bring ‘shame’.  The Pakistani community in Britain believes it to be honourable to arrange their daughters’ marriages to cousins and tribesmen from Pakistan, which is fine if both parties agree, but what about those who are forced into marriage. Is that honourable? Forced marriages only bring shame on the family if parents are caught, or if the girl runs away, so in that way it is being seen as honourable, rather than intrinsically shameful.  At the same time many women are raped, and unless the man is caught, that too is not seen as shameful. 

It is shameful for a Muslim girl in Britain to play football in the street, to cut her hair, to look at men and talk to men who are not related to her; to move out of her parent’s home before she is married, to marry men from another tribe, race or religion, to convert. 

I believe it instils fear in our hearts as children in Muslim Pakistani families from very early on, and takes away the innocence of childhood as we are made aware that our behaviour could bring ‘shame’ on our family and even our community.  Children should not have to live like that; daughters should not have to live like this.  Hannahshah.com is a website set up for those who want answers to questions about Islam, and about shame and honour. 

In shame and honour cultures women have the power to bring shame to the family and community and only men can really bring honour, so women are oppressed because the men want to protect there honour and women live in fear of shame.  Women are not trusted to protect honour so they cannot be educated as that would provide them with a way out of needing the protection it is believed only men can give.  Women cannot be trusted to give witness in court alone, as they cannot be trusted to protect the honour of men.

I agree with a Muslim woman, who has inspired me so much, Mukthar Mai (In the Name of Honour) when she asks her country (Pakistan) the question:

‘That is the true honour of my homeland: to allow a woman, educated or illiterate, to speak out in protest against injustice done to her. Because the real question my country must ask itself is, if the honour of men lies in women, why do men want to rape or kill that honour?’

Mukhtar Mai fights against injustice, bravely speaking against the injustice done to her by men in her community. But for me 16 years after the injustice done to me, justice is not speaking out about what’s been done to me, but what is done to other women working to give honour back to women who have been shamed by men in their community.